Published on August 15th, 2011 | by DerbyLife

The 9 Month Injury: Emotional Baggage

By: D-Bomb, Captain, Oly Rollers

I have always wanted children. For years I’ve watched friends and family have babies and I was always a little bit jealous because I wanted a child of my own. I had tried to get pregnant, but it just never happened for me, which is why it’s ironic that when I actually did get pregnant, I was anything but ecstatic. I went through waves of emotion. Mad, sad and-of course- finally, happy. The thing that was keeping me from being immediately happy was derby.

The Back Story

About 2 years ago the Oly Rollers won the WFTDA Championship. I had decided that after Championships I was going to take 3 months off to see if I could get pregnant. About one month into my break I got a call from a former league mate, Deadly Aim. Deadly and I met for dinner and she gave me amazing news. She wanted to come to Oly to skate with me as an Oly Roller. Along with Deadly, Rettig to Rumble had also decided to come out of retirement and join Oly. I was so excited to play with them again. Two of my closest friends were coming to my league and this was my chance to skate with them again. So, I made a decision. I would put my dream of having a baby on hold for one more year and would commit to Oly for another season. Everything was great. Practices were so much fun. I loved everything, even my hour long carpool to practice.

Something’s Different

One day I had a strange feeling. Something was off. I had dreamed that my youngest sister –Blonde ‘an Bitchin- was pregnant. I told her that she should take a pregnancy test because I thought that she might be pregnant. She just looked at me like I was crazy. I still couldn’t shake the weird feeling that I was having. Then, after one really intense bouting practice I felt extremely nauseous. I figured that I must’ve just skated really hard because feeling nauseous wasn’t normal no matter how hard I’d been skating. When I woke up the next morning I had figured out where that weird feeling was coming from. I connected the dots I decided that I needed to take a pregnancy test.

Duh! Yup, I was the one that was pregnant. Here’s where the emotions come in. I cried like a baby- and it wasn’t because I was happy. This is what I had always wanted but I was sad. I don’t want this now. How could this have happened? I’d been so careful since I came back to skating. I just knew that the pregnancy test had to be wrong, so I took two more –and got the same result. Over the course of a week I took eight pregnancy tests. Finally, I made a doctor’s appointment.

Out With It

I didn’t tell anyone that I was pregnant except for my boyfriend. I told people that I wasn’t bouting because of a foot injury. I went to my doctor’s appointment hoping to find out that I wasn’t pregnant. No, such luck. I was about eight weeks along. I couldn’t believe it. I had so many thoughts going through my head: “Why am I not happy”? “Oh, no, I’ve been bouting. I hope that everything will be okay with the baby.” “This is All.His.Fault.” When I went back and calculated when this had all happened I realized that it was just two days before I had dinner with Deadly and found out that she and Rettig were coming to skate at Oly. Two days before I’d recommitted to skating for Oly for another season.

I realized that I had to tell my family and my team mates. And this is where it gets a little bit funny. My sister-the one that I had dreamt was pregnant- actually was pregnant. Not only that, but our due dates were only three days apart. My team was both happy and disappointed. Happy because they knew that I wanted to have a baby and they were happy to share in the excitement, but disappointed because it meant that me- and now my sister- wouldn’t be skating with them for nearly and entire season. Our family was happy. Two new babies would be arriving at nearly the same time.

Accepting that I wouldn’t be skating with Oly for a year was particularly hard. My emotions kept going back and forth between being happy and being upset. All I’d wanted was to have a baby, but skating has been my life since before I could walk, and derby had been my life for the past five years. I knew that getting having a baby would be an adjustment and that my life would change, but the fact that it was out of my control was what was bouncing me between being excited and being disappointed. Now I’d have to put derby on hold after I’d just recommitted to it. I cried for the next two months. I felt like I had let my team down. Going to practice got hard. Watching everyone else bouting while you can’t participate is harder than you can imagine. You think that you’ll be fine until you can’t do it for an extended amount of time.

Turning the Corner

Once I got over being upset about being unable to bout I was ecstatic. I started getting ready to have my baby. I found a way to include my derby family in the planning and in a way it helped with that feeling of isolation that I’d gotten from being unable to bout with them at practice. I’d started planning for a family and eventually came to understand what I already knew -that derby would still be there after I gave birth. I couldn’t believe that I’d gotten so upset about something that I’d always wanted. So, I did what I’d always wanted. I had a baby and one month later I went right back to playing derby-in the WFTDA Championship. And now I know that if I ever get pregnant again there is life after, and with, baby.