Top Ten Men’s Team USA Roller Derby Requirements

10. “27 in 5.” Dunk 27 donuts in 5 beers. Eat, drink …then do your 27 laps in 5 minutes.

9. Break through a wall. (Must at least be made of wood or brick. Straw walls will not count.)

8. Watch “Field of Dreams.” Anyone who doesn’t get misty when Kevin Costner asks his father to play
catch is obviously not American and must immediately be removed from the rest of tryouts.

7. Must be able to jam, block, pivot, pitch, play middle linebacker, or goalie …just in case.

6. To prove mental acuity, must win at Connect 4 in three moves or less.

5. Must be able to bench the bench coach.

4. HGH testing will be a non-invasive checking of your helmet. If it has increased four sizes in the past 3 weeks, you’re out.

3. Must be able to go from offense-to-defense-to-offense in the time it takes you to say “offense-to-defense-to-offense.”

2. Even after being called with the most bogus penalty, the skater must be able to race so fast to the penalty box that the breeze would cool off the first four rows of fans.

1. Know down to your skates that the name on the front of the jersey you’re vying for is a helluva lot more important than the one on the back. *

Go get ‘em, boys!

* ….and God bless Herb Brooks.