The Pursuit of Derbyness: Turning Derby Lust into Derby Love

The beginnings of any great relationship are intense. With the newness comes a certain thrill of discovery. With derby it’s the smell of your first pair of new skates, all fresh grease and stiff leather. It’s the sound of unsteady feet rolling along old wooden floors. It’s the sighs and gasps of amazement the first time you see sideways skating or an apex jump or a live Team USA player who must certainly be sent from some roller queen Valhalla to rule the track in awesome greatness. It’s also the reassuring feeling of your teammates’ hip against your own in the terror and confusion of your first scrimmage.

Some relationships thrive on that newness, growing, burning and throbbing with the intensity of a shared passion for something great. You find yourself wrapped in the cocoon of a new world where every adventure seems greater than the last. You believe that derby requires your all - so "your all" is what you give her. It’s your money, your time, your old friends, and your body. There is no sacrifice she is unwilling to take.

But this is lust not love. As good as it feels, it won’t last. The day will arrive when you wake up in bed with derby, stare at her lying there harmless and sleeping and wonder in a moment of clarity whether all that you give to her is worth what you receive in return. After all, she is unfaithful. No matter how much you give of yourself, derby will always expect you to share your relationship with other women who are younger, thinner, faster and stronger than you. She is abusive. The sport that you profess to love is bound to break your heart if not your ankle. You may tell the world that you give as good as you get but that won’t erase the parade of bruises trailing down your shins or the crackling pops of your injured and aching joints. She is a thankless task master. She yells at you when you fall and taunts you’re tired and can’t keep up.

That day will be the first of many moments when the whole relationship could implode under its own weight. Either that which had once seemed to be the center of your universe will fade into just an interesting detour in the story of your life or it will continue on and nestle its inevitable way into the heartbeat of daily existence; between your friends, your family and your work. Either way, this mad rush of derby lust cannot continue as it had before.

In order for this relationship to develop into something like love, you have to take a few steps back and see derby for who she really is. If you were to ease away for a moment would you discover that she relies upon you so heavily that she would indeed collapse without you by her side? Do you feel the same way? This is codependency and it will consume both of you. Do you believe that derby will shun you if you dare take a needed day of rest? Then you do not trust her. Do you rail at derby for failing to go along with your every idea and whim? That’s hardly respectful. If what you’ve found is truly love then you owe derby the patience to let it grow over time with all the complexity, compassion and flexibility that love requires.

Perhaps the tendency to want to hold too tight is born of the knowledge that this beautiful thing is ultimately destined to pass us by. The time will come when we say our tearful goodbyes and tenderly hang up our skates to collect dust in some forgotten corner. Derby knows this, and her promise to you in return for the years of heartache and sweat is that in the decades of your life to come she will whisper to you in the dead of night. She’ll remind you of the time when the wind whipped through your helmet, your walls were unbroken, your hits rang true and the crowd couldn’t get enough. You’ll laugh in remembrance of the parties, the victories, the losses and the days when the two of you were alive together. Fear not. You will always be in a little corner of her heart - just as she is in yours.