What's in a name? A derby girl by any other name would smell as gross

Do you ever think about what you’d call yourself if you could pick your derby name over? I think about it all the time. I like my name fine, but the names I come up with these days are so much better now that I’m older and wiser and, presumably, funnier.

Back in 2009, before I had even attended a single practice, I decided my name would be Atticus Flinch. I was an English major, and have a sweet little cousin named Atticus, so it just plain made sense. However, the guy I was seeing at the time said it was terrible, and talked me out of using it. I still regret it to this day. TwoEvils tells me that someone has since claimed it, too. I HOPE YOU’RE ENJOYING MY GLORY, FLINCH.

So, my first bout rolls around and I still haven’t picked a name. Oh god, what do I call myself? My uncle tells me I should be Nikkee Knee-breaker. Furious eye-rolling ensues. I frantically trawl through my iTunes library looking for anything that vaguely resembles a name. The only thing that comes close is this awful hip hop song by Snob Scrilla that I inexplicably liked at the time. And so I was Heartbreak Scorsese, as my very first, hot pink jersey sadly commemorates.

UGH. No one knew what it meant. People didn’t understand me when I told them who I was (although that could have been my thick Australian accent – this was back when I lived in the US)

At the end of that season I decide I can’t go on living with the shame of being Heartbreak Scorsese. I need to change it. Aaron, self-proclaimed Expert Namer and the husband of my derby wife decides he should step in.

He approaches me and tells me he has thought of the best, most perfect name possible for me, and how has no one registered it yet, and it’s a sign that I am meant to use it. I tell him that’s the worst name I’ve ever heard and flat out refuse. He starts a facebook petition demanding I change my name to Blockodile Dundee, and people I know join it en masse.

I still thought it was horrendous, but people got really excited, so I reluctantly got on board. Aaron now works as a marketing manager, and I can only assume he landed that job because of the Blockodile thing.

These days, I think of the best derby names all the time and wish that I could use them all (Like the fictional Jingleboobs McHitsalot I once wrote about. Except that’s actually terrible and I’d never use it. You can feel free to, though!).

If I started playing derby now, I think I’d go with one of the following:

Bedonka Truck

The Jet, as in Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez. I will never not have a crush on that guy.

Bellatrix LeStrangle

Destroy McClure (“Hi. I’m Destroy McClure. You may remember me from such ass-kickings as the one I’m about to give you.”)

Lucy S. Malfoy

Blunderbuss

Zaphod Beebleblox

What awesome derby names have you thought of since you started playing? Do you have a derby name yet? Do you even want one? You can feel free to use one of mine, but you will be required to pay me 45 cents every time an announcer says your name.